As told by an Idiot

I am writing this from a hospital bed in the PODM ward of the the PODM wing in PODM Memorial Hospital in Biglanyard Pennsylvania due to injuries received while changing a tee shirt with a knife in my hand. I urge my readers not to attempt this at home and especially not to attempt it while driving. And talking on the phone.

We are saddened by Sarah Palin's resignation earlier especially for the many commentators and pundits who found her such an easy target for their contradictory billingsgate. I am haunted by the vision of the wise old men and women of the media having their heads explode due to an excess of spleen they cannot vent. With only Bush, Chaney and Conservatives under the rubric of Republicans left to abuse what will they do, what will they do?

The biggest loser has to be Todd S.Purdum who just dashed off a 10,000 word piece on Palin for Vanity Faire full of the predictable obloquy and ad hominem attacks usually seen only at PODM and the reasoned discourse of progressive blogs. Mrs. Palin's resignation renders all those sandbags he dropped kind of irrelevant. All that detail and and research he could have lunched on with his like minded friends friends wasted. Of course there is hope, liberals never tire of beating a dead horse, recalling Nixon and Reagan here, provided the horse is thoroughly dead and they can gather in sufficient numbers to club it safely.

Mr. Purdum, who displays an eye for detail regarding feminine apparel, (No ad hominem attacks here.) tells us:

...Palin makes her way slowly across the crowded ballroom—dressed all in black; no red Naughty Monkey Double Dare pumps tonight—

Well that should disqualify the women! Not only does she own two pairs of shoes, she actually wore something she thought was appropriate for the event. Thank God the Republic was spared the horror. Later he asks:

What does her prominence say about the importance of having (or lacking) a record of achievement in public life? Why did so many skilled veterans of the Republican Party—long regarded as the more adroit team in presidential politics—keep loyally working for her election even after they privately realized she was casual about the truth and totally unfit for the vice-presidency?

So unlike Joe Bidden I suppose who is only "casual about the truth" when it comes to speeches by Neil Kinnock. Bidden of course piled up many years in the Senate where he administered his office staff and provided us all with many amusing gaffes. Palin by contrast administered a city and state, albeit not one as robust and big as say Arkansas or Delaware but a state none the less. I guess being Vice President requires more of a record than the Presidency as exemplified by that office's current occupant. If only she had gone to Harvard.

When Purdum runs short of innuendos about trouble in the McCain/Palin camp he harvests second hand anonymous quotes:

...news organizations were reporting that anonymous McCain aides saw Palin as a “diva” and a “whack job.” Many of the details that led to such assessments have remained obscure.

I'll bet. There's a lot more about abstinence and abortion, the shibboleths of Purdum's audience. Apparently they believe she got a pass based on her looks but just isn't up to men's work. He tells us she comes across as arrogant, uppity and disrespectful. I wonder if Purdum were profiling a man he might consider those traits strong, decisive and visionary but Palin of course is "erratic". There is speculation about her postpartum depression which would raise an unholy howl across the land if it was done to a Democratic woman. He mentions her passing consideration of the abortion issue on learning her amniocentesis results contained abnormal cells but can't resist delivering a stern back hand to her for believing that abortion is wrong even though her actions were consistent with that belief.

Its a long tedious read but instructive on how to construct a meandering hatchet job.

I always liked Palin she was different from the usual crop of political phonies that strut and fret their hour upon the stage and then are heard no more. I can't speculate about Purdum's agenda except that he did it for the check, figuring there was a well of animosity he could pander to.

I think the elite hate Palin because she actually is the genuine article, an American citizen with all her foibles intact, thrust upon the stage without being vetted by our rulers who had opinions and ideas that didn't fit their narrative. Palin is like us with all our attendant failings and concerns and voiced them in the face of withering criticism. Palin is like us except in one area, she has courage. She kept her family together, how quaint. She was true to her beliefs and rose to a high level in her second career only to be mocked by hand wringing hypocrites and mediocre entertainers, how unexpected. Whatever her failings her story deserves to be told, it is a tale of an America alienated from their political suzerains, full of sound and fury, perhaps signifying nothing but waiting for a better idiot than Purdum to tell it.
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Jacko in the box

Hi I'm back, employment ain't what its cracked up to be.

In all the brouhaha over the deaths of Billy Mays and Gale Storm I missed an event that went unnoticed by the media. Pop icon, accused pedophile and endless source of morbid media curiosity Michael Jackson, seen here shortly after his death, passed away on June 25th to an out pouring of grief unseen since the death of Princess Diana, another denizen of tabloid Valhalla.

Mr Jackson will be sourly missed, he gave us many fine examples of pop anthems to unrequited teen love, a piquant outlook on child molestation and terrifying bits of terpsichorean excess that in a lesser human would have prompted a diagnosis of shaking palsy. Would any one today be moon walking or rhythmically grabbing their crotch without the pioneering choreography of Michael Jackson. Step back Jerome Robbins, Balanchine, Hermes Pan, Agnes DeMille, Martha Grahm (She also invented a popular cracker), Isadora Duncan (She worked for Telefunken.),Ted Shawn, Ruth St. Denis, Bob Fosse and Deney Terrio, step way back, a new Colossus has joined the pantheon.

Sadly we at PODM must raise a few quibbles. (Actually it was Senior Editor Emeritus Franklin Erasmus Buzzkill, address all complaints to him at: PODM World Headquarters in Kitschaskiny Florida.) In the past we have lost more than a few immortals of Pop, two Beatles, God knows how many Beach Boys, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendricks, Jim Morrison all exited in interesting and untimely manners. Lets face it Cass Eliot, Karen Carpenter and Michael Hutchence departed this vale of tears in a manner less mundane than heart failure. Bobby Fuller inhaled gasoline and Lynard Skinner died in a plane wreck. (Plane crashes are a fairly common cause of Rock and Roll deaths but I included them to give my spell checker a work out.) I could go on but I'll let these guys do it.

Of course Michael Jackson was no ordinary Pop star despite Mr. Buzzkill's curmudgeonly complaints and the tributes continue to pour in: Wal*mart has declared that in Jackson's honor they will have little boys pants half off this month (I know its an old one but when are we going to get to use it again?) and from beyond the grave Farah Fawcett claims she asked Saint Peter to help young boys everywhere, so he killed Jacko. Reggie Jackson (No relation) has claimed he was honoring Michael while playing right field because both Jackson(Michael) and Jackson (Reggie) wore a single glove for no apparent reason.( Yeah, I know its another old one but again, when are we going to get to use it in the future?)

Fortunately Mr. Jackson's legacy is in the capable hands of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson (no relation) so we can rest assured nothing exploitative or self serving will occur. Time has stopped at Neverland, fortunately not at bed time which we are reliably informed is when the big hand touches the little hand. So until we find the stone rolled back from Mr. Jackson's tomb and he moon walks across the reflective pool, farewell Michael farewell.

Other members of the Jackson family, Stonewall Jackson(No relation), Shoeless Joe Jackson(No relation), Andrew Jackson(No relation), Jackson Browne(No relation), Kate Jackson(No relation), Samuel L. Jackson(No relation), Phil Jackson(No relation), Shirley Jackson(No relation), Milt Jackson(No relation), Jackson Pollock(No relation), Randy Jackson(No relation), Glenda Jackson (No relation) and Henry "Scoop" Jackson(No relation) could not be reached for comment.

No word yet if Jackson will be buried beside long time companion Bubbles.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Porlock

On the advice of counsel I am pausing posting on PODM, or as he said, "Some things are better left unsaid". I am actually going to earn a living although that depends on what your definition of "earn" is. In the meantime I'll be working on several unfinished projects in my Porlock File, things currently incomplete because of unwanted, irritating and trivial interruptions such as visits from bill collectors, the death of bizarre cultural icons (?) and opium salesmen. Okay some weren't that unwanted.

I grow old... I grow old...
Do I dare to take a stroll,

In rooms where women come and go talking of former DHS secretary Thomas Ridge,
Who went visiting Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

A Walk in the Park

The other day I posted a comment on Mark Sanford's alleged gambol in Appalachia, it was full of brilliant snarky comments about this tempest in a tea pot. In light of recent developments (He was in Argentina with a girl.) I attempted to up date the post including comments like "The Bull of the Pampas" and "In Patagonia, Mark Sanford a stately pleasure dome decreed..." and in a move characteristic of the staff here at PODM, promptly lost it.

Our regular readers may find our usual incompetent hijinks risible but the uninformed may go huh, especially if they bother reading any of my other posts. Sadly it was choke full of the sort of witticisms and libelous fun PODM is known for, if any litigators or aggrieved parties actually downloaded a copy please forward it wrapped around one of the bricks you throw through the stately smoked glass doors of the PODM International Building in Whitlow Minesota.

FTC you later

The usually serene Little Miss Attila seems a bit shupoofed about the proposal to have the Blogosphere regulated by the alert, competent and efficient folks at the FTC. This is reasonable as she blogs regularly and is trying to make a living at it, we at PODM have a different view and look forward to being edited by the same folks that write those griping government publications overseen by the lawyers at the FTC. This is sound allocation of resources by an agency that was able to track down Bernie Madoff after mere years of being told about his operation by a succession of snitches and handled ENRON so well.

Who hasn't stayed up all night with some government page turner like Social Networking Sites: Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens , How To Protect Kids' Privacy Online: A Guide For Teachers or the ever popular quarterly Litigation Status Report . I'm sure they will improve the quality of discourse on the web especially at PODM where we are only doing this because its part of the terms of our parole.

This regulation is desperately needed to prevent the tens of dollars consumers spend on the blogs they read from being siphoned off by unscrupulous sites. Remember free speech is a right only if no one is willing to pay for it.

Not a cough in a car load

All the talk about health care has caused me to investigate taking up smoking again. If seventy percent of my income is going to go to pay for a bloated universal heath bureaucracy I want to get my monies worth.

I always enjoyed smoking, it was one thing I was truly good at. It helped me concentrate, gave me something to do with my hands and made me look grown up, best of all it provided me with an impetus to get out of bed while I hacked the tar out of my lungs. I, of course, abandoned my carcinogenic friends for health reasons but if the government is picking up the tab, who cares?

I went to the CVS drug store (How ironic yet disturbingly apropos.) to purchase a deck of tobaccoy goodness and discovered that buying cigarettes these days is quite the adventure. Back when I was introduced to the leaf by a young Marine stationed in Subic Bay, (Ahh to be young and foolish with 30% of my lung capacity intact again.) smokes came in two varieties toxic and and extra toxic. My brand of choice was Camels, lung cookies the way God intended, unfiltered and liberally dosed with added nicotine.

These days Camels come in a bewildering number of styles and flavors, some with filters, some in tins like Altoids, some mentholated and with all sorts of names. Here's a list I cribbed from Wikipedia:Camel Filters, Camel Filters 99's, Camel Lights,Camel Lights 99's, Camel Menthol,Camel Menthol Lights,Camel No. 9,Camel No. 9 100's,Camel No. 9 Menthe,Camel No. 9 Menthe 100's,Camel Regular,Camel Special Lights,Camel Signature Infused,Camel Signature Robust,Camel Signature Frost,Camel Signature Mellow,Camel Turkish Gold,Camel Turkish Royal,Camel Turkish Silver,Camel Turkish Jade,Camel Ultra Lights,Camel Ultra Lights 99's,Camel Wides,Camel Wides,Lights,Camel Wides Menthol,Camel Wides Menthol Lights,Kamel Red,Kamel Red Lights,Kamel Red Menthol,Kamel Red Menthol Lights and others.

Marlboro's were less daunting but still came in an impressive variety of types. Marlboro was always a favorite of mine because I rather fancied myself as a cowpoke that needed oxygen.

I finally chose Marlboro Mediums, so named I gather because they help you get closer to dead people.

PODM does not believe in tears

No crying over this slice of The Onion. Apparently the good people at The Onion have been reading PODM! While the person profiled is fictitious I think they've grasped the fundamental editorial philosophy we embrace here. In the words of Emma Lazarus, "give us your tired, your poor and we at PODM will mock, ridicule and trivialize everything they believe in, hold sacred or love. It is gratifying to see our work appreciated by one of the top 500 or so humor sites on this back water we call the web.