Sexual Healing

What a great year it has been for piquant celebrity sex with David Carradine passing at the end of a rope with a handful of junk to Mackenzie Phillips revealing how much of a daddy's girl she was, its hard to imagine how anything could top that. We are jaded, the weekly release of sex tapes, nudie pictures and interesting sexual felonies has rendered us insensitive to all but the most spectacular rutting by our celebrity overlords.

I've been waiting for the Farrah Fawcett boxed set of sex tapes to be released, you know there has to be a library of them lying around, but her reputation is in ethical hands of Ryan O'Neal so I'm sure nothing nothing tawdry will see the light of day.

Take the case of Roman Polanski a convicted rapist of an underage girl. Many of his friends in the industry have informed us that in their opinion that thirty years of being a fugitive from our killjoy justice system is punishment enough. Apparently the statute of limitations runs out whenever a successful director might be in the mood to cast you in his next movie if he gets to walk on whatever crime he committed.

Unfortunately some people have failed to see the poignant plight of Polanski who after all only drugged a thirteen year old girl in order to sodomize her. Who hasn't dreamed of talking a teenager into taking nude photos under false pretenses then taking advantage of her in the home of a celebrity friend. It was only by the accident of birth, wealth and lying about potential career possibilities that Randy Roman found himself in the situation where he could succumb to the charms of a child that was clearly asking for it.

If our intolerant justice system has its way the artist and pervert Polanski might find himself in one of our institutions for men where physically superior star struck convicts with scripts to sell might take advantage of his sweet sensitive nature and turn him into their catamite play thing against his will. It could cost thousands of cartons of cigarettes to prevent our Roman from experiencing sodomy from a different perspective. Having unwanted sex thrust upon you (Or in Roman's case, into you.) is never okay, unless you are a thirteen year old girl confronted by a powerful celebrity that needs to butt slam you.

Little Miss Attila has taken the contrarian point of view and pointed out some flaws in the Polanski advocate's logic. Europe, specifically the French have officially condemned our provincial insistence that rapist and child molesters answer for their crimes, a position that we ignore at our peril. We at PODM abhor conflict and would like to offer a compromise in order to avoid an international firestorm. God knows Los Angeles can't afford anymore firestorms especially a French one that could devastate the restaurants and coffee houses of Brentwood and Bel Air.

Roman Polanski is fond of Europe and was a Polish national at sometime in his past what would be more appropriate that he serve his time for child rape in Polish custody according to their laws and customs. I'm just saying...

9/11

The Bravest by Tom Paxton

Bukharin

A bit of luck this week, I've finally got the Obama program into my stupid, racist, fascist head and I didn't have to spend anytime in some American Gulag or have my head wrapped in a plastic bag so a member of the American Volunteer Service (Or Young Pioneers or whatever they're calling the Obama Youth.) doesn't have to waste a bullet.

I get it. Its time for us conservatives (I don't know how I got to be conservative, I'm the most profligate person I know.) to step out of the way with our woolly headed slippery slope arguments and let the Progressive Express chug through on its way to creating heaven on earth even if it looks like heaven is a siding in Auschwitz. Fun fact: Totalitarians love trains. Under our hapless old democracy Amtrak has become a bumbling embarrassment to European intellectuals and emblematic of failed transit policy, maybe one of the Czars (or Tsars) will make it run on time.

My liberal friends tell me there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed with the application of more money. Health care will be administered by the same kind folks that made Medicare the smooth, efficient, trouble free operation it is, maybe with the velvet touch of the IRS thrown in just to leaven the fun. There might be some bumps in the road, the government seems to have trouble with simple things like handing out free money for clunkers but I'm assured the details will be worked out just as soon as they hire some more bureaucrats.

I'm confident our representatives and senators are studying, researching and reading every detail of the health care bills to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

I am holding my breath to see how they tidy up the messes at the Departments of Education and Energy. We are so close to being energy independent and getting our kids educated. If only rich conservatives would only be a little more generous and get out of the way. With a couple or three more trillion dollars our bureaucrats will get back behind their desks and begin fixing the organizations they have run into the ground.

They need us to shut the f**k up. (When did we start spelling fuck with asterisks?) Hopefully the administration is busily consolidating its power so it can crack down on the recalcitrants and cranky kulaks that fail to understand that all this is for their own darn good. With all their critics safely tucked away they can deliver on the promised change they believe in.

Which brings me to the tragic-comic life of the bright, well meaning, idealistic, hypocrite and cynic Nikolai Bukharin. As everyone knows Buhkarin was an intellectual apologist for Communism and crony of Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky as well as Zinoviev, Kamenev and other people you've never heard of. He wrote a lot of propaganda justifying the worst of the Bolshevik program then enjoyed a laugh or two with his politburo buddies when it turned out he was bullshitting. He had an unfortunate habit of jumping on bandwagons late and not getting off in time which caught up with him in 1929 when he disagreed with Stalin on the NEP (That's the New Economic Policy for you in the back row.) and lost.

Later on he was tried and convicted for being an asshole that Stalin got tired of arguing with but he kept at it, writing long letters to Stalin ("Koba, why do you need me to die?") in which he argued that the revolution was great, killing millions of Kulaks made sense and of course counter revolutionaries had to die but not him. Stalin considered what he had to say then had him shot, packed his lovely wife Larina off to the gulag for twenty years and kept the letter in his desk until he died either as a memento of their friendship or as a handy source of a good laugh.

I always think of Buhkarin when the politically correct sands of the progressive program shift. My progressive friends always assure me that that sort of thing just can't happen here, dissent will never be criminalized and they'll get it right this time. Of course they will, they're bright, well meaning and idealists but then again most have no idea what a kulak is and have never heard of Buhkarin.

Sara Jane, Squeaky and John

Hi I'm back. Due to injuries incurred during a work related Fijian strap match... Ahhh... Who am I kidding, nobody is reading this.

Investigative reporter Oscar Alonzo Welderhunt is investigating the scandalous availability of free Internet porn. To date he has filed thirty eight servers with research material, developed an awesome tennis serve and an equally awesome bone crushing handshake. Although disabled by carpal tunnel syndrome recently, after the the wrist transplant he expects to get back to work on the article which he is determined to complete within the next sixteen or seventeen years or until he finds a girlfriend.

The release of Squeaky Fromme sparked some interest from the over medicated editorial board at the PODM news center in Bizquick Washington. It is believed that for the first time in history we have three unsuccessful presidential assassins walking around free, four if you count Arthur Bremer who took out presidential hopeful George Wallace in the prelims! Squeaky, Bremer and Sara Jane Moore are free as birds that are being monitored by their probation officers and John Hinckley continues to get more unsupervised walking around time from the wacky house he's in.

With this kind of talent on the streets we think there is one possible outcome: A Reality TV show, bad news for Republicans and good news for NBC. Squeaky is the star of course, she seems as wacky as the day she went in and of course she has a supportive family. Sara Jane is less telegenic but who can forget Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Hinckley has the Jodie Foster connection and the looks that made him the heart throb of the sedated distaff inmates at St Elizabeth's Hospital. And he has a song out.

Arthur Bremer is the wild card in this deck of jokers, the court said he was sane but he's been quiet and you know what they say about the quiet ones. As of now the show is untitled although "Run for Your Life", "One in the Pump" and "The People's Choice" are top contenders, "The Assassinettes" was scrubbed once Bremer became available. Keith Olbermann is a lock as MC.

Of course this begs the question:

Has anybody here, seen my old friend Sirhan -

Can you tell me where he's gone?

He shot some people and the DA called it wrong,

But I just looked around and he's gone.

A correction

As hard as we try at PODM sometimes we make a mistake. In a previous post we ended an interrogatory sentence with a period. This cannot stand. Embale Privot, Editor in Chief of Punctuation was reassigned to the PODM call center in Fetlock New Jersey.

In other house cleaning news, researcher Roswell Bentadene has taken a leave of absence to address a personal issue. During the all night Wite-Out huffing party we traditionally hold while we put an edition to bed he incorrectly identified the author of the Harry Potter series as Henry Rollins, the correct author is of course Henry Rawlinson.We apologize for any confusion that might have caused.

We at PODM expect nothing less than excellence from our staff if you don't count some hygene issues, chemical dependency and other mental health problems. We hope you'll continue to make PODM your number one source for irrational, bizarre and irrelevant commentary.

The Children's Hour

Sorry to be so tardy posting, I could plead the exigencies of employment but in fact I was catching up on my napping. A big shout out to my researcher Roswell Bentadene, who despite being disappointed that the stimulus package that PODM received didn't cover his promised bonus, still made his usual yeoman like effort at fact checking.

I am shocked, shocked I say to find that my old friend John at Write Enough is dropping good money (Well, American money anyway.) on the latest Harry Potter opus. For those of you that have been living under a rock these films are based on the bildungsroman novels of Henry Rollins, former lead singer of Black Flag, and concern the efforts of a group of apprentice wizards and witches attending Hogwarth Prep to recover a magical ring of fire stolen by Gollum and Valdemorte. Apparently they use their magic powers to defeat evil and allow Frodo to destroy an army of muggles, a plausable enough concept, but danger lurks in the details. These are adolescents armed with supernatural powers and we all know what has happened to Smallville since those strange teenage visitors from another planet started setting up shop.

Its a conspiracy to subvert our values and distract us from the actual danger young people with supernaormal abilities actually represent.

Have we learned nothing from British horror movies from the sixties? If Village of the Damned was such a fluke why make Children of the Damned? When I hear apple cheeked youngsters waxing rapsodic about witches and wizards I recall that Twilight Zone Episode where Billy Mumy wished everybody into the cornfield and The Lord of The Flies and am terrified! You may scoff, guffaw and chortle at my concern, just rent The Children of the Corn, parts 1 through 666 and be afraid, be very afraid.

We at PODM have no problem with actual magic. If someone wants to sit around and make quarters come out of someones ear for drinks and then hit on bored housewives who think a night at the Magic Castle is a night out, that is all well and good. In the hands of children though its like giving your credit card to a Democratic legislator and telling them to have a good time.

Isn't it time we returned to our traditional values regarding witchcraft and burned a few of the lovable tykes at the stake.

As told by an Idiot

I am writing this from a hospital bed in the PODM ward of the the PODM wing in PODM Memorial Hospital in Biglanyard Pennsylvania due to injuries received while changing a tee shirt with a knife in my hand. I urge my readers not to attempt this at home and especially not to attempt it while driving. And talking on the phone.

We are saddened by Sarah Palin's resignation earlier especially for the many commentators and pundits who found her such an easy target for their contradictory billingsgate. I am haunted by the vision of the wise old men and women of the media having their heads explode due to an excess of spleen they cannot vent. With only Bush, Chaney and Conservatives under the rubric of Republicans left to abuse what will they do, what will they do?

The biggest loser has to be Todd S.Purdum who just dashed off a 10,000 word piece on Palin for Vanity Faire full of the predictable obloquy and ad hominem attacks usually seen only at PODM and the reasoned discourse of progressive blogs. Mrs. Palin's resignation renders all those sandbags he dropped kind of irrelevant. All that detail and and research he could have lunched on with his like minded friends friends wasted. Of course there is hope, liberals never tire of beating a dead horse, recalling Nixon and Reagan here, provided the horse is thoroughly dead and they can gather in sufficient numbers to club it safely.

Mr. Purdum, who displays an eye for detail regarding feminine apparel, (No ad hominem attacks here.) tells us:

...Palin makes her way slowly across the crowded ballroom—dressed all in black; no red Naughty Monkey Double Dare pumps tonight—

Well that should disqualify the women! Not only does she own two pairs of shoes, she actually wore something she thought was appropriate for the event. Thank God the Republic was spared the horror. Later he asks:

What does her prominence say about the importance of having (or lacking) a record of achievement in public life? Why did so many skilled veterans of the Republican Party—long regarded as the more adroit team in presidential politics—keep loyally working for her election even after they privately realized she was casual about the truth and totally unfit for the vice-presidency?

So unlike Joe Bidden I suppose who is only "casual about the truth" when it comes to speeches by Neil Kinnock. Bidden of course piled up many years in the Senate where he administered his office staff and provided us all with many amusing gaffes. Palin by contrast administered a city and state, albeit not one as robust and big as say Arkansas or Delaware but a state none the less. I guess being Vice President requires more of a record than the Presidency as exemplified by that office's current occupant. If only she had gone to Harvard.

When Purdum runs short of innuendos about trouble in the McCain/Palin camp he harvests second hand anonymous quotes:

...news organizations were reporting that anonymous McCain aides saw Palin as a “diva” and a “whack job.” Many of the details that led to such assessments have remained obscure.

I'll bet. There's a lot more about abstinence and abortion, the shibboleths of Purdum's audience. Apparently they believe she got a pass based on her looks but just isn't up to men's work. He tells us she comes across as arrogant, uppity and disrespectful. I wonder if Purdum were profiling a man he might consider those traits strong, decisive and visionary but Palin of course is "erratic". There is speculation about her postpartum depression which would raise an unholy howl across the land if it was done to a Democratic woman. He mentions her passing consideration of the abortion issue on learning her amniocentesis results contained abnormal cells but can't resist delivering a stern back hand to her for believing that abortion is wrong even though her actions were consistent with that belief.

Its a long tedious read but instructive on how to construct a meandering hatchet job.

I always liked Palin she was different from the usual crop of political phonies that strut and fret their hour upon the stage and then are heard no more. I can't speculate about Purdum's agenda except that he did it for the check, figuring there was a well of animosity he could pander to.

I think the elite hate Palin because she actually is the genuine article, an American citizen with all her foibles intact, thrust upon the stage without being vetted by our rulers who had opinions and ideas that didn't fit their narrative. Palin is like us with all our attendant failings and concerns and voiced them in the face of withering criticism. Palin is like us except in one area, she has courage. She kept her family together, how quaint. She was true to her beliefs and rose to a high level in her second career only to be mocked by hand wringing hypocrites and mediocre entertainers, how unexpected. Whatever her failings her story deserves to be told, it is a tale of an America alienated from their political suzerains, full of sound and fury, perhaps signifying nothing but waiting for a better idiot than Purdum to tell it.
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