Friday, October 9, 2009

What the...

It takes something extra special for the staff at PODM's Norway desk in Jackserhier Rhode Island to stop downloading porn, sit up and take notice of something but the news out of Oslo was just the ticket. With award season in full swing our president has pulled a rare two fer, the Olympics for Chicago and the Nobel Peace prize. With Roman Polanski likely to receive the Los Angeles District Attorney's coveted "Life Time Achievement Award" at ceremonies later this year at Corcoran, Americans can't help but swell with astonishment at this recognition of our cultural and political leaders.

To put this honor into perspective only two sitting presidents Teddy Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson have taken home the gold from Oslo. Roosevelt of course brokered a peace treaty between Japan and Russia that ushered in an era of peace that lasted until September of 1945. Thanks to TR's efforts neither country has engaged in any serious conflicts since. Wilson was honored for his efforts on behalf of The League of Nations, the international organization that has prevented war since 1920.

Jimmy Carter won the Nobely in in 2002 for wearing a sweater, rolling over for the Ayatollah and turning Hati into the smooth running democracy it is.

America's Veeps Charles Dawes and Al Gore have won the esteem of the Nobel committee as well. Dawes won for the coincidentally named Dawes Plan that enabled Germany to stabilize its economy and worked like a charm until January of 1933. Gore picked his up for discovering the internet, global warming and losing Florida in 2000.

Since its inception the Nobel prize has honored the men and women that averted World War I and afterwards honored the people that helped avert World War II. Its a tribute to their efforts that the sixty years since have been marked by international harmony and accord.

We at PODM salute the Nobel committee for its continuing tradition of recognizing the well meaning and ineffectual people whose efforts on behalf of the cause of peace have wrought such disastrous consequences. We salute Mr. Obama for his many achievements in this arena and confidently expect his efforts to have similar outcomes.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sexual Healing

What a great year it has been for piquant celebrity sex with David Carradine passing at the end of a rope with a handful of junk to Mackenzie Phillips revealing how much of a daddy's girl she was, its hard to imagine how anything could top that. We are jaded, the weekly release of sex tapes, nudie pictures and interesting sexual felonies has rendered us insensitive to all but the most spectacular rutting by our celebrity overlords.

I've been waiting for the Farrah Fawcett boxed set of sex tapes to be released, you know there has to be a library of them lying around, but her reputation is in ethical hands of Ryan O'Neal so I'm sure nothing nothing tawdry will see the light of day.

Take the case of Roman Polanski a convicted rapist of an underage girl. Many of his friends in the industry have informed us that in their opinion that thirty years of being a fugitive from our killjoy justice system is punishment enough. Apparently the statute of limitations runs out whenever a successful director might be in the mood to cast you in his next movie if he gets to walk on whatever crime he committed.

Unfortunately some people have failed to see the poignant plight of Polanski who after all only drugged a thirteen year old girl in order to sodomize her. Who hasn't dreamed of talking a teenager into taking nude photos under false pretenses then taking advantage of her in the home of a celebrity friend. It was only by the accident of birth, wealth and lying about potential career possibilities that Randy Roman found himself in the situation where he could succumb to the charms of a child that was clearly asking for it.

If our intolerant justice system has its way the artist and pervert Polanski might find himself in one of our institutions for men where physically superior star struck convicts with scripts to sell might take advantage of his sweet sensitive nature and turn him into their catamite play thing against his will. It could cost thousands of cartons of cigarettes to prevent our Roman from experiencing sodomy from a different perspective. Having unwanted sex thrust upon you (Or in Roman's case, into you.) is never okay, unless you are a thirteen year old girl confronted by a powerful celebrity that needs to butt slam you.

Little Miss Attila has taken the contrarian point of view and pointed out some flaws in the Polanski advocate's logic. Europe, specifically the French have officially condemned our provincial insistence that rapist and child molesters answer for their crimes, a position that we ignore at our peril. We at PODM abhor conflict and would like to offer a compromise in order to avoid an international firestorm. God knows Los Angeles can't afford anymore firestorms especially a French one that could devastate the restaurants and coffee houses of Brentwood and Bel Air.

Roman Polanski is fond of Europe and was a Polish national at sometime in his past what would be more appropriate that he serve his time for child rape in Polish custody according to their laws and customs. I'm just saying...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


A bit of luck this week, I've finally got the Obama program into my stupid, racist, fascist head and I didn't have to spend anytime in some American Gulag or have my head wrapped in a plastic bag so a member of the American Volunteer Service (Or Young Pioneers or whatever they're calling the Obama Youth.) doesn't have to waste a bullet.

I get it. Its time for us conservatives (I don't know how I got to be conservative, I'm the most profligate person I know.) to step out of the way with our woolly headed slippery slope arguments and let the Progressive Express chug through on its way to creating heaven on earth even if it looks like heaven is a siding in Auschwitz. Fun fact: Totalitarians love trains. Under our hapless old democracy Amtrak has become a bumbling embarrassment to European intellectuals and emblematic of failed transit policy, maybe one of the Czars (or Tsars) will make it run on time.

My liberal friends tell me there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed with the application of more money. Health care will be administered by the same kind folks that made Medicare the smooth, efficient, trouble free operation it is, maybe with the velvet touch of the IRS thrown in just to leaven the fun. There might be some bumps in the road, the government seems to have trouble with simple things like handing out free money for clunkers but I'm assured the details will be worked out just as soon as they hire some more bureaucrats.

I'm confident our representatives and senators are studying, researching and reading every detail of the health care bills to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

I am holding my breath to see how they tidy up the messes at the Departments of Education and Energy. We are so close to being energy independent and getting our kids educated. If only rich conservatives would only be a little more generous and get out of the way. With a couple or three more trillion dollars our bureaucrats will get back behind their desks and begin fixing the organizations they have run into the ground.

They need us to shut the f**k up. (When did we start spelling fuck with asterisks?) Hopefully the administration is busily consolidating its power so it can crack down on the recalcitrants and cranky kulaks that fail to understand that all this is for their own darn good. With all their critics safely tucked away they can deliver on the promised change they believe in.

Which brings me to the tragic-comic life of the bright, well meaning, idealistic, hypocrite and cynic Nikolai Bukharin. As everyone knows Buhkarin was an intellectual apologist for Communism and crony of Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky as well as Zinoviev, Kamenev and other people you've never heard of. He wrote a lot of propaganda justifying the worst of the Bolshevik program then enjoyed a laugh or two with his politburo buddies when it turned out he was bullshitting. He had an unfortunate habit of jumping on bandwagons late and not getting off in time which caught up with him in 1929 when he disagreed with Stalin on the NEP (That's the New Economic Policy for you in the back row.) and lost.

Later on he was tried and convicted for being an asshole that Stalin got tired of arguing with but he kept at it, writing long letters to Stalin ("Koba, why do you need me to die?") in which he argued that the revolution was great, killing millions of Kulaks made sense and of course counter revolutionaries had to die but not him. Stalin considered what he had to say then had him shot, packed his lovely wife Larina off to the gulag for twenty years and kept the letter in his desk until he died either as a memento of their friendship or as a handy source of a good laugh.

I always think of Buhkarin when the politically correct sands of the progressive program shift. My progressive friends always assure me that that sort of thing just can't happen here, dissent will never be criminalized and they'll get it right this time. Of course they will, they're bright, well meaning and idealists but then again most have no idea what a kulak is and have never heard of Buhkarin.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sara Jane, Squeaky and John

Hi I'm back. Due to injuries incurred during a work related Fijian strap match... Ahhh... Who am I kidding, nobody is reading this.

Investigative reporter Oscar Alonzo Welderhunt is investigating the scandalous availability of free Internet porn. To date he has filed thirty eight servers with research material, developed an awesome tennis serve and an equally awesome bone crushing handshake. Although disabled by carpal tunnel syndrome recently, after the the wrist transplant he expects to get back to work on the article which he is determined to complete within the next sixteen or seventeen years or until he finds a girlfriend.

The release of Squeaky Fromme sparked some interest from the over medicated editorial board at the PODM news center in Bizquick Washington. It is believed that for the first time in history we have three unsuccessful presidential assassins walking around free, four if you count Arthur Bremer who took out presidential hopeful George Wallace in the prelims! Squeaky, Bremer and Sara Jane Moore are free as birds that are being monitored by their probation officers and John Hinckley continues to get more unsupervised walking around time from the wacky house he's in.

With this kind of talent on the streets we think there is one possible outcome: A Reality TV show, bad news for Republicans and good news for NBC. Squeaky is the star of course, she seems as wacky as the day she went in and of course she has a supportive family. Sara Jane is less telegenic but who can forget Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Hinckley has the Jodie Foster connection and the looks that made him the heart throb of the sedated distaff inmates at St Elizabeth's Hospital. And he has a song out.

Arthur Bremer is the wild card in this deck of jokers, the court said he was sane but he's been quiet and you know what they say about the quiet ones. As of now the show is untitled although "Run for Your Life", "One in the Pump" and "The People's Choice" are top contenders, "The Assassinettes" was scrubbed once Bremer became available. Keith Olbermann is a lock as MC.

Of course this begs the question:
Has anybody here, seen my old friend Sirhan -
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He shot some people and the DA called it wrong,
But I just looked around and he's gone.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A correction

As hard as we try at PODM sometimes we make a mistake. In a previous post we ended an interrogatory sentence with a period. This cannot stand. Embale Privot, Editor in Chief of Punctuation was reassigned to the PODM call center in Fetlock New Jersey.

In other house cleaning news, researcher Roswell Bentadene has taken a leave of absence to address a personal issue. During the all night Wite-Out huffing party we traditionally hold while we put an edition to bed he incorrectly identified the author of the Harry Potter series as Henry Rollins, the correct author is of course Henry Rawlinson.We apologize for any confusion that might have caused.

We at PODM expect nothing less than excellence from our staff if you don't count some hygene issues, chemical dependency and other mental health problems. We hope you'll continue to make PODM your number one source for irrational, bizarre and irrelevant commentary.

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Children's Hour

Sorry to be so tardy posting, I could plead the exigencies of employment but in fact I was catching up on my napping. A big shout out to my researcher Roswell Bentadene, who despite being disappointed that the stimulus package that PODM received didn't cover his promised bonus, still made his usual yeoman like effort at fact checking.

I am shocked, shocked I say to find that my old friend John at Write Enough is dropping good money (Well, American money anyway.) on the latest Harry Potter opus. For those of you that have been living under a rock these films are based on the bildungsroman novels of Henry Rollins, former lead singer of Black Flag, and concern the efforts of a group of apprentice wizards and witches attending Hogwarth Prep to recover a magical ring of fire stolen by Gollum and Valdemorte. Apparently they use their magic powers to defeat evil and allow Frodo to destroy an army of muggles, a plausable enough concept, but danger lurks in the details. These are adolescents armed with supernatural powers and we all know what has happened to Smallville since those strange teenage visitors from another planet started setting up shop.

Its a conspiracy to subvert our values and distract us from the actual danger young people with supernaormal abilities actually represent.

Have we learned nothing from British horror movies from the sixties? If Village of the Damned was such a fluke why make Children of the Damned? When I hear apple cheeked youngsters waxing rapsodic about witches and wizards I recall that Twilight Zone Episode where Billy Mumy wished everybody into the cornfield and The Lord of The Flies and am terrified! You may scoff, guffaw and chortle at my concern, just rent The Children of the Corn, parts 1 through 666 and be afraid, be very afraid.

We at PODM have no problem with actual magic. If someone wants to sit around and make quarters come out of someones ear for drinks and then hit on bored housewives who think a night at the Magic Castle is a night out, that is all well and good. In the hands of children though its like giving your credit card to a Democratic legislator and telling them to have a good time.

Isn't it time we returned to our traditional values regarding witchcraft and burned a few of the lovable tykes at the stake.