Monday, July 21, 2008

A Landmark for PODM

Its been a great ride at Products of a diseased mind, since 1957 we have provided fiction and commentary that nobody noticed, nobody wanted and nobody read. We are proud of our record of over fifty years on the Internet without a single comment and pledge to continue putting out more of the same uncalled for postings that no one is clamoring for on the web.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A modest proposal

Recently, and by recently I mean something that I still remember that happened in the past, The Supreme Court or SCOTUS as no one calls it, issued a landmark decision on a Washington D.C. law banning handguns. It found the D.C. law unconstitutional based on the second amendment. The amendment reads as follows: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

After much comment by the POTUS (President of the United States), SOTUS (Senate of the United States), HOROTUS (House of Representatives of the United States) the various factions resumed the name calling and bull shit slinging necessary to keep the game going, namely the future employment of anti-gun nuts. No one in their right mind believes that criminals are going to obey any gun law, any more than illegal aliens are going to start obeying border and immigration regulations when tempting, lucrative fruit harvesting and house keeping jobs are available. Unless of course we can convince both groups to become elected politicians at which point obeying the law becomes optional.

In an effort to stop the madness I have a modest proposal. Below are a few alternate amendments that I hope will spark a national debate equal in depth and wisdom that the Second Amendment debate has generated.

A healthy, hearty breakfast, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to make and eat pancakes, shall not be infringed.

Style, affordability and comfort, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to buy quality foot wear shall not be infringed.

Lethargy, sloth and ennui, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch c-span’s coverage of the House of Representatives shall not be infringed.

Lethargy, sloth and ennui, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch The Golf Channel shall not be infringed.

Absorbency, thrift and quality, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to purchase ShamWOWs from Finch on late night TV shall not be infringed.

A vigorous, abundant sex life being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the middle aged men to sing about the wonders of erectile dysfunction remedies shall not be infringed.

Geeks, freaks and tattooed ladies being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the women to drink and smoke during pregnancy, shall not be infringed.

Lion tamers being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to have whips, wear jodhpurs and protect themselves with chairs, shall not be infringed.

Baseball, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to not see accounts, rebroadcasts or recreations of a ball game with out the express written consent of the commissioner of baseball, shall not be infringed.

Monkeys, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep the filthy things in cages shall not be infringed.

Roadside attractions, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to collect string shall not be infringed.

Professional wrestling, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch fat guys in Speedos fighting masked Mexicans with folding chairs shall not be infringed.

Lawn furniture, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to furnish their patio shall not be infringed.

Fringed buckskin jackets, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to have fringe on them shall not be infringed.

Low hanging fruit

I apologize for following up a rant about the town all the surviving kids from The Lord of the Flies moved to with another rant ripped from the headlines but this was hard to resist. The brilliant comedian Jay Leno called politics show business for ugly people and apparently the military, at least the top brass, has become a category of show business for people of another sort as well.

The Air Force's top leadership sought for three years to spend counterterrorism funds on "comfort capsules" to be installed on military planes that ferry senior officers and civilian leaders around the world, with at least four top generals involved in design details such as the color of the capsules' carpet and leather chairs, according to internal e-mails and budget documents.
Don't ask and don't tell anybody General but I have some fabulous swatches and color samples you should see. What course at the academy covers this?

Air Force documents spell out how each of the capsules is to be "aesthetically pleasing and furnished to reflect the rank of the senior leaders using the capsule," with beds, a couch, a table, a 37-inch flat-screen monitor with stereo speakers, and a full-length mirror.
Who do these guys think they are, congressmen?

The internal Air Force e-mails, provided to The Washington Post by the Project on Government Oversight (POGO), a nonprofit Washington group, and independently authenticated, make it clear that lower-ranking officers involved in the project have been pressured to create what one described as "world class" accommodations exceeding the standards of a regular business-class flight.

"I was asked by Gen. [Robert H.] McMahon what it would take to make the [capsule] . . . a 'world class' piece of equipment," an officer at the service's Air Mobility Command said in a March 2007 e-mail to a colleague, referring to the mobility command's top officer then. "He said he wanted an assurance . . . that we would be getting a world class item this week."

I can't wait to see how they've tricked out their Humvees when they tool up to the red, white and blue carpet at the Military Awards Dinner to pick up their Patsy. The Patsy, short for Patriot, is the award given to the best military procurement officer every year. It is a gold statue of a naked taxpayer covering ambiguous genitalia with an empty wallet.

Maybe we could drop a few of these comfort capsules on insurgents, preferably with the Brass strapped in and see what effect that has on morale. Its good to see the Pentagon has gotten the word about fiscal responsibility and stopped buying those $500 dollar hammers and toilet seats.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite ’em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on;
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on.
Dean Swift

I came upon this interesting tidbit here and thought it bore reviewing, it is quoted at length below. I have removed some extraneous clap trap about the national issue of homelessness by the estimable Michael Stoops, with my apologies, as it was not germane to the point I am making.
BOLINAS, Calif. — Ricky Green wandered into this town some months ago, a stranger just a bit stranger than most. He had shed his middle-class respectability — a job as a graphic artist in the 'burbs — strapped a guitar over his shoulder and landed here on what he told people was "a spiritual journey."

Bolinas seemed like a good fit. The unincorporated town of 1,600 on the Pacific coast is Marin County's most blatant throwback to the Summer of Love, a hippie haven that is bent on stopping tourists from spoiling its laid-back groove.

The 33-year-old Green, prone to age of Aquarius-speak about the moon and the stars, already looked sort of like a local.

As one resident, Bill Boman, put it, "He had this Jimi Hendrix vibe."

But Green never quite meshed with the Bolinas social fabric. The night of June 23 proved how much he remained an outsider, in a liberal enclave stubbornly averse to strangers.

Six young people — including two juveniles — allegedly attacked and stabbed Green with a viciousness that is forcing Bolinas to search its soul for meaning.

"I'm not surprised that an incident like this happened in Bolinas," said Michael Stoops, executive director of the National Coalition for the Homeless. "We have found that these kinds of incidences happen everywhere. There was an incident just last month in Cleveland. It's no longer a big city thing."

"Why are these attacks happening?" Stoops said. "The main reason is that you can't go anywhere in society without coming across homeless folks. And there is this antipathy or scorn towards them."

Detectives are still investigating the Bolinas attack. But by all accounts, Green confronted a group of young people that had been drinking. He was angry about an altercation another homeless man had the day before with some youths.
Apparently he pointed out some contradictions in their anarcho/syndicalist position, vis a vis the homeless.
The attack happened on the beach. Green was stabbed multiple times and pummeled with a skateboard, flashlight and bottles. While he was down, the mob kicked and jumped on him.

Sheriff's investigators said up to 20 witnesses watched the beating, but no one stopped it.
Apparently a committee of locals observed the action and collectively decided that Mr Green's opinions were deviant enough to warrant intervention and re-education.
Green, found semiconscious and bleeding profusely, was airlifted to a hospital in Santa Rosa, 50 miles away. He spent nearly two weeks there recovering from lacerations to the head and body.

Five people have been charged with attempted murder.
Things were going fine until representatives of the capitalist insect showed up.
In Bolinas, where everyone knows, or knows of, the victim and the suspects, the attack is raising hard questions. Bolinas wears its xenophobia proudly. For decades, a group known as the Bolinas Border Patrol has torn down all signs pointing the way to the enclave from Highway One. But now, some wonder whether Bolinas' inbred hostility to outsiders exploded the night of Green's attack.
Others are pondering whether the attack means that Bolinas, despite its barefoot youth, loose-roaming dogs and pony tailed, tie-dyed 60-year-olds, is more like the rest of society than it wanted to admit.
That thought is especially jarring. Bolinas fancies itself special. The town keeps a "free box" outside the natural foods store for anyone to donate or pick up clothes or household items. A few years ago, it passed a ballot measure officially declaring itself "a socially acknowledged, nature-loving town" that likes blueberries, bears and skunks. The town saloon has the word "peace" outside, written in seashells.
Can't we all just get along with people we agree with? Why can't a a bunch of pious self righteous liberals be allowed to segregate them selves? How do you expect us to live in peace and harmony with all mankind if we can't lynch the occasional intruder? What good are human rights and tolerance if you can't beat the crap out of an outsider?
"I knew of Bolinas as a peaceful place," said Boman, a musician who moved to Bolinas several weeks ago. "What has happened to the children of the revolution?"

Almost no one else approached for this story wanted to talk, be quoted or have their name used.

Still in shock, Bolinas is trying to understand what happened and make amends. Anguished town meetings are taking place, with discussions focused on finding solutions to disaffected youth.

But there are some hard feelings for Green here, too.

Derek James, a bartender at Smiley's saloon, approached a reporter to say Green had been causing trouble in town for months. He had been barred from Smiley's for harassing people, James said.

"He was getting into people's business," he said. "I really felt like something was going to happen."
You may not agree with what I say but I'll defend to the death your right to a damn good thrashing until you do. You don't change a man's opinion by silencing him but a smart man shuts up after a thorough beating. How could anyone disagree with that? As Achilles said in an interview with People Magazine: "Its better to serve on earth than rule in Hades."
The other day, fresh out of the hospital, Green was spotted back in town. (He proved elusive, always a step ahead of visitors trying to find him. The Associated Press was unable to reach him.)

Many were relieved to see him back on his beat. But James could not believe the news.

"I know a lot of people in this community," he said, "are not really happy to see him back."
I am always delighted to receive lectures on morality from perfect little people in their perfect little towns, where tolerance is increased by distance. Like fleas, they rely on a host society for their substance and life yet resent sharing it with anyone they deem not their type. I guess the parasites have gotten fed up with their parasites, good luck Mr. Green.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

You Might Be a Talaban,If...

Against my better judgment I’m publishing this post my brother says he took from a military newsletter although it might be from Jeff Foxworthy’s latest album. My Bro was one of the brave men and women defending our country from migratory whales under terrible conditions at Point Magu . He learned just enough in boot camp to kill me quickly but painfully if I got fresh.

He has promised to stop embarrassing the family by appearing in Hair Club for Men commercials if I published it which sold me. Of course I have nothing but the highest respect for Islam and any other religion that keeps women in bags, I intend to study it as soon as I get tired living in the 21st Century. So for the three or four of you that haven't seen this yet, and if you're reading this blog you don't get around much so its probably new to you, here goes.

You Might Be a Taliban, If...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you've done with your cave.
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time there was a famous school for baking in the City of Venice. Although graced with stunning architecture, enhanced by the clever window treatment the Venetians invented called blinds, and located on a stunningly beautiful lagoon the Venetians were never the less a restless bunch that sought adventure and new experiences especially in the epicurean sphere. The head instructor was famous for sending out master bakers who's culinary master pieces delighted the Venetians. But the bakery business is more than just dough and yeast, you are only as good as your last pie crust and the baking teacher was desperate for something new to tickle their jaded palates.

He sent a young apprentice abroad and when he was done with her he was told to roam the fair cities of Verona, Cremona, Parma, Mantua, Padua, and other places in Italy Cole Porter didn’t mention, looking for the tastiest confections.

After squandering his master’s money in the flesh pots of Rome he was eventually summoned home so he picked up a few things at a Pepperidge Farm store and started back. It was a long trip and the lad got hungry, one by one the bags of cookies and pastries disappeared. As he approached the outskirts of the water sodden city a committee of local luminaries greeted him with much fan fare. The Doge himself greeted the apprentice and congratulated him for his long hard journey. The lad gave the venerable old man his last bag of Florentine Pogens and went to see his teacher.

The baker, seeing he was empty handed asked what he had to show for his efforts. The young man replied: “I am sorry teacher, The Doge ate my homework.”

The people of Venice rioted and caught The Doge, Pietro IV Candiano knocking back the last of the tasty morsels. Furious, they locked him in the palace with his son and burned it to the ground.

Anybody can Blog

I’ve been away from my blog for about six months because I couldn’t think of anything that could make the political process we’ve just been through any funnier. I spent the time going door to door for Hillary Clinton explaining that Barak Obama was an African American. A lot of people didn’t know that.

My reader has been clamoring for new stuff, so I guess its time to clean up the desk: They changed the name of the seventh planet because nobody could say Uranus without snickering, its now called Urectum.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.