A modest proposal

Recently, and by recently I mean something that I still remember that happened in the past, The Supreme Court or SCOTUS as no one calls it, issued a landmark decision on a Washington D.C. law banning handguns. It found the D.C. law unconstitutional based on the second amendment. The amendment reads as follows: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

After much comment by the POTUS (President of the United States), SOTUS (Senate of the United States), HOROTUS (House of Representatives of the United States) the various factions resumed the name calling and bull shit slinging necessary to keep the game going, namely the future employment of anti-gun nuts. No one in their right mind believes that criminals are going to obey any gun law, any more than illegal aliens are going to start obeying border and immigration regulations when tempting, lucrative fruit harvesting and house keeping jobs are available. Unless of course we can convince both groups to become elected politicians at which point obeying the law becomes optional.

In an effort to stop the madness I have a modest proposal. Below are a few alternate amendments that I hope will spark a national debate equal in depth and wisdom that the Second Amendment debate has generated.

A healthy, hearty breakfast, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to make and eat pancakes, shall not be infringed.

Style, affordability and comfort, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to buy quality foot wear shall not be infringed.

Lethargy, sloth and ennui, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch c-span’s coverage of the House of Representatives shall not be infringed.

Lethargy, sloth and ennui, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch The Golf Channel shall not be infringed.

Absorbency, thrift and quality, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to purchase ShamWOWs from Finch on late night TV shall not be infringed.

A vigorous, abundant sex life being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the middle aged men to sing about the wonders of erectile dysfunction remedies shall not be infringed.

Geeks, freaks and tattooed ladies being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the women to drink and smoke during pregnancy, shall not be infringed.

Lion tamers being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to have whips, wear jodhpurs and protect themselves with chairs, shall not be infringed.

Baseball, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to not see accounts, rebroadcasts or recreations of a ball game with out the express written consent of the commissioner of baseball, shall not be infringed.

Monkeys, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep the filthy things in cages shall not be infringed.

Roadside attractions, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to collect string shall not be infringed.

Professional wrestling, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to watch fat guys in Speedos fighting masked Mexicans with folding chairs shall not be infringed.

Lawn furniture, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to furnish their patio shall not be infringed.

Fringed buckskin jackets, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to have fringe on them shall not be infringed.